


Ventilation Mishaps

by Chai_Destiny



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Eiffel wants to have a normal escape for once, Gen, Slight Panic Attacks, attempt at pop culture references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 05:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14709791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chai_Destiny/pseuds/Chai_Destiny
Summary: When Eiffel woke up this morning, all he wanted was to do was escape Minkowski's Quarterly Annual Talent Show. He did not mean to fall into a secret room, find creepy crawlies with too many eyes, and secrets that decided to change the way he sees their resident scientist.





	Ventilation Mishaps

**Author's Note:**

> A little late but I am here!
> 
> This is part of the W359 Reverse Big Bang. Which was really fun to join in! My artist was Aspect Notarized ( https://aspectnotarized.tumblr.com/ ) and their art is at the end. Which is also pretty awesome so check them out!

           “Hello Dear Listeners! This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel. It’s day 525 of the Hephaestus Mission. And I am in the ventilation shafts.” Eiffel said, faux chirpy attitude in his voice. “A ventilation shaft that I’m pretty sure just _loves_ me.”

 

           At that snarky remark, Eiffel dipped head first into a slanting vent. With a yelp, he proceeded to crash straight into a silver wall. A resounding bang left his ears in ringing pain. He sat up as much as he could in the enclosed space, rubbing at his head in agony.

 

           “Ouch, fuck. That’s gonna leave a bruise. A goddamn painful bruise but I will still be avoiding our very own Dr. Jekyll when this all cools over. Back to what I was saying beforehand, Dear Listeners. Today is day 525 and it is a day _I_ cannot wait for to be over.” After adjustments to the mic, Eiffel got back down on his stomach. He crawled in the only direction the vent allowed him to.

 

           He grunted with the effort to pull himself through the dust covered vents. Another turn in the shafts came up. Eiffel groaned at the sight of it.

 

           “Well, we’re having one of _those_ days at the station. A very  _very_ bad one _._ I mean, every day is a good day with me around, I am the epitome of the days around here. However, today is one of the days that I stay indoors, don’t need to get caught outdoors in a storm, am I right?”

 

           A soft chime played in the headphones that circled his neck. Eiffel froze, eyes wide in fear as the one voice he was avoiding came through.

 

           “Crew of the Hephaestus, this is Commander Minkowski. As I know that you are all keenly aware, it is time for our quarterly talent show. You all know that I am aware that you know it is _mandatory to come._ Since no one was in the cargo bay, I do hope none of you are hiding out right now but are all getting ready for the talent show.” One and only commander of the crew cleared her throat. “So, as I stand in the coms room, to which I hope I just _missed_ you Eiffel, I better not find anyone hiding out in the storeroom or any laboratory _._ ”

 

           “Ha! Storeroom idea was _de_ nied!” Eiffel crowed his success.

 

            “I hope to see both of you down in here the cargo bay in _twenty_ minutes. If not, I will hunt you down.” Minkowski finished her monologue threat with a click of the PA chimes.

 

           “Anarchist.” Eiffel mumbled under his breath as he started to move forward again.

 

           Another slant in the vent came up and Eiffel guffawed at the vent. He tsked a finger at it. He twisted around till he had his feet going down first, not wanting to get caught in that trick again. A ping went through his headphones as he slid down the vent, feet steadied him as he arrived in an open area. Eiffel made a noncommittal noise when a thought came across him.

 

           “I wonder where our resident evil scientist is even doing today, dear Listeners.”

 

           A crackle of static burst sharply in the headset, making the man wearing them cringe.

 

           “Eiffel, are you there?” Russian accent pierced through the otherwise silent vent.

 

           “Speak of the devil and he shall appear! Hilbert! How’s it going, Doc? Chewing any carrots today?” Eiffel joked as he sat down in the open space.

 

           “Eiffel, there is no carrots on station. I could not have been eating carrots today.” Hilbert answered, confused.

 

           The only communications officer on board leant into his palm, “Never mind. What’s up, Doc?”

 

           The sound of clinking glass echoed through the headphones, “I have come up with solution to our ‘Talent Show’ situation.”

 

           Eiffel hummed in acknowledgement, a hand snuck into his side pocket as he pulled out a bag. He popped a cigarette candy into his mouth and leaned back against the wall. Hilbert continued, “Give me moment, Eiffel. I need to be precise with this.” A fizzing sound made Eiffel pause on the biting of his candy.

 

           “Woah, woah. What _exactly_ are you doing?” Eiffel asked.

 

           “It has been while but I remember I have degree in biochemistry. A handy degree in my experiment today.” Hilbert said, clinking of glasses clear through the headset microphone. “I have decided to make a narcotic and sedative, very powerful.”

 

           The human in the vent shaft rubbed his forehead, eyes closed and mouth set in a line. “Doc, you know we have gone over this. You don’t need to go all evil scientist on us yet.”

 

           Hilbert only chuckled at that, the sound of pressure being closed off let Eiffel know the Russian had sealed his fate. Eiffel sighed. He peered down at one of the three entrances that lead into darkness. “Okay Captain Nemo, I gotta go before I’m forced into the Temple of Doom.”

 

           Hilbert hummed into his mic, “I have completed sedation anyways, I will report later results.” The buzzer ended the conversation.

 

           “Well, I can’t wait to see that result. For now, we need to get to a better hidey spot. Which shall it be? Creepy dusty shaft number one, darkness looming shaft number two, or definitely-not-hotel-cleaned shaft number three!” Eiffel gestured in a grand sweeping motion as he announced into his recording.

 

           Only the creaking of the Hephaestus answered the communications officer. He swung his flashlight towards the middle. Grimacing at the darkness that led ahead,

 

           “We have a winner! Shaft number two is our winner! Come along, Listeners. We shall go on a very dirty adventure.” Eiffel said, flamboyance gone as he got to his hands and knees.

 

           Flashlight and recording device his sole companions in the darkness.

 

* * *

 

           It was a brisk twenty minutes later, when Eiffel once again ran head first into a dead end. His flashlight clattered to the floor that made him freeze as the sound echoed throughout the distant ventilation system. He didn’t move for a few seconds before he scrambled to grab the flashlight. He held it close to his chest as a ding of his coms lit up his earphones. As he straightened up, his head set fell, the only man around reached for it as the voice of their resident scientist spoke.

 

           “Eiffel? Eiffel, are you there? Complications have arisen!” Hilbert's frantic voice rose through the speakers.

 

           Eiffel scrambled to get the headset. His flashlight bobbed against the grey. His hands skimmed over the receiving end of the com before they grabbed it. He clutched at it as a loud creak groaned under him, he held his breath as the creaking began to settle into a low moan before it went silent.

 

           “That doesn’t sound good. Okay, if I just reach slowly across…” A deep groan reverted throughout the area, Eiffel stood still. Took a slow breath…and shot his hand out, grabbed the headset, and curled up till the groaning stop. Everything settled. “Okay, Listeners, I think everything is under control...gotta check on Hilbert.”

 

           The buzzer broke through the silence. “Eiffel. This is urgent!”

 

           A second voice came on the coms as Eiffel placed the headset around his neck, volume jacked up. “Hiiilbert. Where did you gooo?”

 

           A frantic whimper echoed, “This is an ur-zzzzz-atter! I need emergen-zzzzz-ack up-zzzz-”

 

           The communications officer looked down at the headphones, confusion across his face. He tweaked the small signal booster. “What? Doc I can’t hear you. Something is blocking the signal-”

 

_Creaaaaak._

 

           Eiffel’s eyes widen.

 

_Crack!_

 

           His mouth gaped as a crack in the vent broke in front of him.

 

_Bang!_

 

With a snap forward, Eiffel flew into darkness.

 

* * *

 

_God, why was it so dark?_ Eiffel thought as pain hit him. He blearily opened his eyes, trying and failing to find any good light source in front of him. Blackness circled him. He shut his eyes again as a weight on top of him gained his awareness. He sat up, pieces of metal fell of him into piles on the floor. Squinted eyes caught a beam of light, he turned and pushed off pieces of vent from the torch.

 

           “Why the hell is there so much gravity here….” Eiffel mumbled as he got up.

 

           He raised his hand up to his ear, pressing lightly on it as he spoke. “Hera? You there?”

 

           Only static responded to him. He frowned and tried again. “Hey Doc, are you receiving?”

 

           Static once again responded, “Goddamn it...well, Dear Listeners. You guys are the only ones listening in now. I’m going to explore and see how to get out or how to unblock this signal.”

 

           He swung his flashlight around, light illuminating a series of computer screens and lab tables in a surprisingly large room. The communications officer kicked a few stray metal pieces away. Curiosity made him wander towards the cabinets and lab tables covered in a thick layer of dust. With one finger he dragged it through the dust as he shined his light at the glass cabinets. Jars, full of floating specimens that he swears twitched at him, glinted back at him ominously.

 

            One jar in particular stood out. Coated in copious amounts of dust, he reached a hand out to pick up the jar. He tilted the light, a floating monstrosity sat in the liquid. Eiffel shuddered at the sight of it. A swish in the container made the human pull it closer to him for examination.

 

            “What are you-” In a blink of an eye, the spider-like creature turned a full one-eighty on him. A multitude of eyes stared as it attached itself to the glass in a loud thump. “HOLY SHI-” Glass crashed under his feet as Eiffel screeched. Instinct making him let go of the jar in fright.

 

            He scrambled away, flashlight aimed at the experiment. It only stared up at him, it’s dozen eyes blinking in unison at his paleness. It began to skitter to the down man before said human through his one and _only_ flashlight at it with a scream of, “HELL NO, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, TOTO.”

 

            The thing _hissed_ at him before it ran in the opposite direction, disappearing into the darkness that was of this mysterious room. Eiffel’s’ lungs shook at the effort to take in air, eyes focused on the flashlight a few feet away. If he concentrated, he could hear the skittering sounds of the spider.

 

            “Why spiders? Why couldn’t it be butterflies?” Eiffel grumbled as he stood a bit shakily. “I’ll just hope that incident is purged from my mind by tonight.”

 

            Eiffel secured his flashlight once more and turned away from the lab area. His attention shifted away to the outdated computers across the room. He quickly scooted around tables and headed towards them. Flashlight set down to face the console, Eiffel rubbed his hands together. “Now, now. What do we have here?”

 

            Brown eyes focused on the keyboard laid out. He cracked his knuckles and began. Typing in codes to wake up the computer. “Come on you hunk of junk, I want to know all your secrets.”

 

           A blue screen loaded. Text popped up: _Computer start up? Y/N_

 

           Eiffel scoffed, “Of course. Let’s enter the Matrix.”

 

           The screen booted up, several terminal screens lit up in unison. Brightening the room and catching the officer’s attention. All the screens showed logs that had been previously recorded. They glowed red, dates labeled upon them. “This…. this is weird. There are audio logs on this computer. I’m clicking on this first one, oldest it seems. Blast from the past, volume one. Here we go.”

 

_Click_

 

           Static popped and a voice, loud and clear, came through.

 

_“Hephaestus Station. Captain Isabel Lovelace here.”_

 

           Her somber tone made chills crawl up Eiffel’s spine. A terrible gut feeling awoke in him, something wasn’t going to go right.

 

* * *

 

           Four logs.

 

           Four logs with loss of crew, sickness, and oddities that could and did boggle the mind.

 

           Eiffel didn’t know what to say.

 

            Eiffel breathed. “Two more logs, Listeners. Two more.” He raised his eyes at the original screen. “Volume five of these accursed logs. I swear this is worse than opening that Ark.”

 

_Click_

 

_“Captain's Log. U.S.S. Hephaestus Station. Final entry.”_ Her voice held no room for cowardice or weakness, it stood firm with malice. _“Run and hide. That's all I have to say to you. Run. And. Hide. Because I'm coming for all you bastards. You probably thought you'd never see me again. You thought if you just left us up here you could forget all about us. Out of sight, out of mind, huh? Jokes on you. You bastards killed most of my crew, but I'm still alive, and Dr. Selberg is still alive, and we have a way to get off this tin can. It's taken months, but we found a way. It's not gonna be pretty. It's not gonna be fast. But we'll make it back to Earth, and the first thing we're going to do as soon as we get home is find everyone involved in this sadistic little field-trip and make you pay. So, if you're listening to this: Run. And. Hide. Because by the time that I'm done you will feel more helpless and more alone than all the innocent people you've ever hurt. See you soon.”_

 

           Eiffel stared at the screen. His mind a pot full of mixed reactions and confused thoughts. His mouth opened and closed. Never deciding one or the other. His voice caught. “Captain Lovelace. I hope to the goddamn heavens you’re out there. I hope you and Selberg have made it through all this shit.”

 

           He shook himself and faced the screen. He had to do this. He _had_ to find out.

 

           He clicked the mouse. He tried to prepare himself.

 

           “C’mon Eiffel. Be the Yoda you were always meant to be.”

 

           It wasn’t working.

 

           The recording started to play.

 

           " _T_ _his is Captain Lovelace of the USS Hepha-_ ” A distant knocking interrupted the beginning of her speech. “ _It’s…. It’s open!”_

 

            A new voice entered, lower and rougher to the ears, with an accent tinged on. A very _familiar_ accented voice. “ _Captain? Is this a bad time?”_

Eiffel’s jaw dropped. His mind racing at that voice. It couldn’t have been _him._

 

_“No, no. You’re fine, Selberg. Just was trying to get some logs going. What’s going on?”_ Lovelace answered, a relief beneath her question.

 

_“Everything is ready. We can head downstairs when you are.”_ One sentence and Eiffel knew.

 

           Eiffel shook his head, backing away from the console with mutters that grew louder.  “No….no….no! It can’t be Hilbert! It can’t-”

 

           Suddenly the coms set around his neck buzzed to life. The voice of their only scientist crackled to life. “Eiffel! Please respond! Situation has gone critical and I am trapped!”

 

           Panic bloomed across his mind, he ripped the headset away from his neck and threw it as far as he could. It only bounced off the adjacent wall, still spewing static and Hilbert’s hails. Eiffel’s back hit his side of the wall. His mouth gaped, his lungs frozen. This couldn’t be...why would Hilbert be Selberg? How did he survive? Where is Lovelace?

 

           Thoughts raced through his head, crashing into one another without abandon. His view of their resident scientist tilting so hard on its axis, his vision blurred to the point that he slid down the wall. Hands coming up to hold his head as the dizziness rocked him.

 

           White light fizzled into existence, Eiffel was far too gone in his own head to notice. The two opaque blurs moved around the room, projected light particles trailing after them. They engaged each other in what could be conversation. The taller of the two sat down in a nonexistent chair, leaning her face up at the other. “ _Thank you, Dr. Selberg. This has been hard but I am glad you’re here.”_

 

_“_ Can’t be….” Eiffel said, fetal form curled tighter into itself as the holographic recording played and the headset let out one last burst of Hilbert’s terrified scream.

 

The standing figure only inclined his head. “ _Always happy to be of assistance.”_

 

* * *

 

           The room was buried in darkness, every inch dripped with inkiness. The barest of illuminations alighted the room. A dulling, white light cast itself over a huddle form in the corner. At a glance, the man looked frozen. As if death itself had touched him with the way his skin has turned pale from his natural darken skin. With hands over ears, the man tuned out the glitching figures by the console. One phrase in constant repetition.  

 

 “ _Always happy to be of assistance.”_

 

           A multitude of instruments were scattered around the console. None of them the right ones to stop the broken line. Across the room, the only door was sealed tight. Marks and other tools scattered around it too. The door itself bore numerous dents and scratch marks but no mark or sign of a successful open entrance. Only dust particles floated in the air, disturbed by the only visitor.

 

           The line stuttered, only one syllable stuck like a broken record. Eiffel glanced up, mind already forming a plan to get the radio working. Realizing this was his chance since the signal was blocked no more. He reached beside himself, headset in hand, to grab a small tool. Quickly, he dismantled the headphone casing. He pulled wires out and cut few in half. The voice in the background gained more of its sentence.

“ _Always-Always….”_

 

           Eiffel eyed the white obstructions, “Oh fuck off! You can’t come over and try to drag me to the Dark Side forever!” he yelled at the two white figures.

 

            The headphone sparked brightly as two wires were connected. A static laced voice broke through. Eiffel smiled as the signal became stronger. He pulled his knees closer to him as a shiver racked his body. He raised the headset further, ignoring the penetrating cold.

 

            “India-Golf-Niner-Niner, do you copy?” Eiffel said, heart beating fast.

 

           “Ei-zzz-el? Can you hear me-zzz-?” Hera’s sweet voice filtered through, Eiffel sighed in relief.

 

           “Yes! I copy! God, you do not know how nice it is to hear your voice, Hera.” Eiffel answered. “Could you open this damn door? Please?”

 

           Hera paused for a few moments before she answered. “Aren’t...you outside?”

 

            He looked baffled, eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “No, I’m inside some room. It’s as big as the observatory.”

 

           Hera’s humming went a few octaves higher. “I’m going to get-get Minkowski… actually I’m going to get Hilbert because M-Minkowski is… a bit preoccupied.”

 

            “No!” Eiffel yelled, body jerking forward to stop a non-existent force. “I mean, don’t get Hilbert. Just...just help me find my way through the vents again?”

 

            “Of course, Officer Eiffel.” Hera said, a quiet tone set.

 

            “You’re the best. You know that, right?” Eiffel said as he got up and scooted around the figures who still stuttered.

 

            “I know.” Eiffel could practically hear the smirk in her tone as he searched for something tall enough.

 

            “Thanks, Hera.” Eiffel mumbled before he exclaimed a happy sound when he found something for the perfect height.

 

            Hera spoke with quirk of fondness as Selberg’s repeated mantra broke. “I’m _always happy to be of assistance,_ Officer Eiffel. _”_

 

__


End file.
